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March 13, 2008

I went out today to take pictures. I do that often. I pick a random place, park my truck, and set off walking, cigarettes and camera in tote. I started smoking again. I knew I would. It almost seems like my smoking is a part of me now. It’s become connected to me in so many emotional ways that quitting felt almost like saying goodbye to a friend. That’s bad, I know. But for now it suits me just fine.

As I was walking and taking pictures I thought about everything. Moving to Chicago, the relationship that I moved there for, how it seemed doomed from the beginning, and how I feel about all of it. I am so used to my relationships not working out, that I handle the end of one much differently now. Oh, I still raise hell before I leave, but once it is over, I accept it and move on relatively quickly. I took that step today. As I was walking, I took all of the mistakes I made, bad decisions and emotional breakdowns and I mixed them with the conversations, tickle fights and time spent lying together in each others arms, and I absorbed them. I took them all in and made them mine. They are part of me now, part of my past and part of my psyche. They will affect the way I think about things and feel about things in the future, as all relationships do.

I lit a cigarette and thought about what this relationship meant to me and what I learned from it and as I exhaled, it was like all the bad feelings were leaving with the secondhand smoke. It’s quite a sense of relief. I’ve been though this before and will, no doubt, go through it again. But for now, I am me and I am alone, and I am surprisingly okay with that.  

One Comment leave one →
  1. March 14, 2008 12:53 am

    You may or may not feel like it, but you’re outlook on this really shows that you have your head on your shoulders straight. Mostly, at least.

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